The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
