Already got asked if we're dating
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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