I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
