Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We need a shit load of segways right now
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
