??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize