my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
