Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
