Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
