I didn't shave. On purpose
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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