You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
