I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
