Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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