Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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