I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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