If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
