I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Randomize
