cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize