good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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