No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
