Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
