My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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