I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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