In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
