Umm I'm too high to move.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize