my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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