pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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