Rock
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Fuck
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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