I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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