I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think I won the penis lottery.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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