Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
