i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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