She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
