Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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