1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
