He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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