mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
