Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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