Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
