I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Randomize
