I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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