Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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