I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
