Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
