i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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