sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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