I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
