it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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