Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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