Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
