I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
