I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
