dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
