Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
