He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
