You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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