Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Two words: blizzard sex
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
