i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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