I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
