I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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