you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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